Meeting God’s Gift

Two years ago, I blogged about somebody who has been persistent in courting me, even though I told him that I am not ready yet to be in a relationship. I was a bit of a coward back then, you see. And I surely needed the time to heal, and wanted to “love myself” more before I can let myself love and be loved again. But as I’ve said, he was very very persistent and determined to get me to say ‘yes.’ I eventually did, but it took us three ‘no’s before that sweet ‘yes.’ It was such a fairytale-like, or should I say, more of a teleserye-like love story, and I couldn’t be more happier now.

When he read my blog, specifically this, this, this, and this (I apologize for the bad writing, I wasn’t that good of a writer yet, I mean, I’ve improved a lot! Okay, sorry). I don’t want to reiterate every blog post, but to make it simpler, I was having troubles with myself back then, since I was graduating in college, just “moving-on” from my first ever relationship, and just being totally frightened of the future. I just wasn’t ready to love again. But deep inside me, I knew that this fear was something. If he didn’t mean anything at all to me, I would have felt nothing at all. But the thing is, I felt fear. I was so scared to open myself to him because I know, I know, that it would be a landslide. He would win over me immediately, fair, and square. Then when he saw my 10 wishes for the new year (2012) back then, seeing the 10th wish, which was to meet God’s gift to me, he assumed that it was him. You see, my fiancé may seem very quiet and all, but he’s very very, VERY, positive. Anyway, so he decided to surprise me on the last day of my final exams, and asked me out on a date, and even politely asked my parents if I could go out with him. My mother knew him because of the chocolates he gave me early 2011, and she liked him because, first, she knew how badly heartbroken I was that summer, and second, she was surprised by how this “new guy” was putting an A+ effort in “showing his affection for me.” Ofcourse, as I have said, I wasn’t ready yet, but eventually, his determination earned my heart. He broke my walls and just effortlessly blew my heart away. I don’t want to tell our whole love story in this post because I have already done that, which you can also see in this blog. Just search for it, it will come by!

Anyway, so last year (2013), September 14th, he proposed to me while we were on a train on our way to Seward, Alaska. It was really very funny, because I already saw the ring in his bag before we left to Anchorage a day before that because we were looking for his driver’s license (which, by the way, has been inside my wallet all along). But I kept my mouth shut and told myself, he’s finally going to do it! So, he booked us a ticket to Alaska Railroad, and we were in first class (I know, he spoils me like that). At the back of our train, there was a balcony, and he tricked me by telling me that no one under the age of 25 can go out there, unless you have a special ticket. And I was like, “Huh? Are you kidding? So what’s the point of all of this first class shiz?” He was so good, and I was sooo convinced by him! But then when I went to the loo, I noticed that there was a little girl there, outside, at the balcony of the train, with her mom. And I was like, “Huh? Is he joking? Oh he’s going to get it.” So when I came back to him, I told him what I saw and he was like, “well, maybe you can go try and take a look. Go, I’ll follow.” So, as this very gullible little girl I was, I did what he said and was nervously walking to the balcony passing by the train crew, and nobody stopped me. So I went there and he was peeping from our seat, and there he was walking towards me bringing the camera. We were both laughing because we’re outside the balcony, which according to my sweet and loving fiancé, is only allowed for persons who are 25 years old and above. He gave me the camera and told me to go take pictures of him by the view, and I gladly obliged. And then he told me, “take pictures of the view on the other side of the road.” I turned back, and I saw nothing but rocks, and when I turned to him again, peeping through the camera lens, there he was, with one knee down, holding the most beautiful ring and said…

Pakasalan mo ako.” (marry me)

Mind you, he said this to me, not as a question, not as a plea, but as a demand. And I was crying and asking, “ARE YOU SERIOUS?” When I looked back inside the train, people were looking at us and we both didn’t want to go inside right away. A few months before, he asked me how I wanted to be proposed to, and I said I don’t want it in public. It’s between the two of us, and I want it to be just me and him, no one else. Well, technically, it was just me and him in that balcony, so okay, that’s fine, but hello, it was in a very public place, and it frightened me. It took me a while before I even said yes, and we hugged and I can hear the people’s applause coming from the inside. It gave me such mixed emotions. But it made me very very happy. He made me very happy.

I know right!?

Such a cry baby! I know right!?

His "demanding" look!

His “demanding” look!

My "OMG" look! Don't you love my boots?

My “OMG” look! Don’t you love my boots? (I was wearing another ring that time)

Do you think he's nervous? I don't think so!

Him before asking me to “take a picture of the other side of the road.” Do you think he’s nervous? I don’t think so!

Isn't it beautiful?

The “ring.” Isn’t it beautiful?

I am scared of what is going to happen to us in the future. Lorenz and I, we are the epitome of the saying, “opposites attract.” We do not like the same things, and we fight like, all the time, but each time, we both realize we cannot live without each other, and even though we can, practically… we don’t want to.

It’s going to be a very hectic and stressful year as we plan our wedding. Looking for suppliers and finding the perfect reception venue is indeed very frustrating! But I know, God is with us. I am thankful that God gave us the church we wanted. We told ourselves, it’s going to be there or we’re not pushing through with the wedding this year yet. And voila! God gave it to us!

And I don’t care what other people have to say. Go ahead, judge us, but even that, you don’t have the right to do. Because only God can do that, and even though he can, he won’t. So, I am happy. I am not doing anything to hurt someone or whatever, so don’t say something if you’re not saying anything good at all.

To our families, and friends, who have been with us, praying and sharing love, thank you. This is going to be one epic year, and I know it. Because God is going to guide us both.

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Post-Christmas/Pre-New Year’s Eve Blog

I am feeling a bit nostalgic tonight. It’s so surreal how 2013 just went by so fast. So many things had happened, and most of them, I didn’t even see coming. But anyways, they did, and I am the type of person who doesn’t easily forget, and frankly, I don’t find remembering easy either. I know, that is a bit ironic, but I guess, that’s really how we all live. Or atleast how live.

It’s been a roller coaster ride. This year, I saw myself letting go of things I did not need in my life, and even things I think I needed. For the most part, it’s been tough. This year has been really challenging, but it has been a learning experience for me. I found myself more hopeful than ever, though I have grown a little bit more serious about life, since I am not getting any younger. There is no need to count my ups and downs, as I know in any way, I am very blessed to have positive people around me to brighten up my day everyday. I have been very blessed by the Lord, and I know that He will give me more blessings this 2014. I am very much hopeful for the year to come, because I know all of the pain that I have experienced this past year will be nothing compared to the happiness I will be enjoying on the next. Though I do feel that it is going to be more stressful than ever, since I have so much to do and accomplish in such little time, but I know that God is with me, and my family and friends will also be with me in this new journey that God has given me. I have become a bit more fragile, but the paradox is true that it is when you are weak that you are strong, too.

It’s bittersweet, I guess. Saying goodbye has always been hard for me, but nevertheless, I know that goodbyes leave us with the lessons we need to learn. More importantly, goodbyes mean new beginnings as well. Though I am a bit frightened of the year to come, I am more hopeful since I know that God is faithful to His promises.

This post is shorter than my usual post-Christmas and pre-New Year’s eve blogposts, but I feel like I have said everything I want to say. Anyway, ’til tomorrow!

Count to ten

It’s ten days before the new year, and just four more days before Christmas. I haven’t been really active in blogging lately, mainly because I have been busy with life… or something.

Frankly, I don’t really feel like it’s the holidays. Don’t get me wrong, it’s my favorite time of the year, the holidays. But this year, I just can’t seem to find that same “spark” I’ve had with the Christmas season for the past years. Maybe it’s because this year went so fast and I may have lost a few battles of my own, including a constant battle with myself and my own insecurities. It makes me really sad, actually. I don’t want to feel this way but I can’t help it sometimes. I just want to be able to feel that “genuine” happiness again. I mean, I have been very blessed this year, but I guess it’s been real tough, too, so I am kind of in the “numb” part of the life-cycle. I know, I know. I may sound a bit foolish, but I guess, sometimes, foolishness is necessary for us to be able to realize that we need change. I do want change. I feel like something is missing in my life, and it’s painfully haunting me. I want to be able to feel like anything is possible again, but right now, I feel like nothing is. You can say that I have been pretty much losing faith in myself and in life lately, and the only thing I am holding on to is my faith in God. And maybe, that is more than enough; believing that faith in God can move mountains. But I still feel that something is lacking, that maybe my life is becoming more of a routine, and it scares me. What if I can never be satisfied? What if this hole in my heart become bigger everyday? I was never as frightened of the future as I am now, and frankly, I have no idea how I will be able to overcome this fear.

Oh please, dear life, help me have faith in you again. Help me become passionate again. I don’t want this feeling anymore. I feel like it’s killing me inside. Though the pain is not physical, I feel like it’s decaying my whole being and it’s exhausting, really. I hate how it feels.

Oh please, Lord. Give me hope.

At some point, somebody stops trying.

I am a princess of God. And as His princess, I deserve to be loved and treated right. I know I am not perfect, nor am I great, but I know that either way, I deserve to be happy, I deserve the best.

Maybe most of what I read about relationships from the internet are true. At some point, one of you stops trying. One of you gives up, and the other wouldn’t mind you giving up at all. It sucks, if you ask me, how love sometimes is not enough. Does it fail us? No, I don’t think so, atleast I don’t want to believe so. I think we fail love instead. We fail on how much it can give, on how much we can give. We ask ourselves, is this the best I can provide? But you know how people see it, that we cannot give what we have. Sometimes we have given everything, and nothing’s left. So when the time comes that the other demands more, you cannot give anything anymore, as you have already given everything you’ve got.

I don’t know, I am not sure. I don’t want to think that everything will just be thrown away. But you know what they say, good things must come to an end. Everything will come and go. People will never stop disappointing you, and you will never stop disappointing yourself.

I guess, all of us, we all just want to be loved, to be appreciated. The other might think that it’s selfish, but the other may have overlooked himself. Maybe you lack something, or maybe for them, you just aren’t enough. At some point, someone stops trying because they think you aren’t worth fighting for anymore. And I guess that’s what hurts the most. When you find out that the other sees himself more important than you, and that you are just not worth it anymore. You are just not worth all the trouble anymore.

At some point, someone stops trying because they think you are not capable of giving back the love they are giving you. At some point, you kind of want to just sleep and wake up when everything’s okay. If everything will be okay, that is.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. Or maybe it’s true. That at some point, love is not going to be enough. You and the other must work hard, or even harder, just to keep saving what you have. But if somebody stops and the other stops, too. Then maybe, that’s the end of everything you both have started to fight for. Maybe that’s just… the end of everything.

Kiss Like You Mean It

Thought Catalog

When you kiss someone, kiss them with both hands, kiss them like you are holding on tight and won’t let go. Lean in for the kiss like you are both in a musical and the score is swirling around you — as if your dress or her dress or both of your dresses will be blown up by the wind at any moment. Pretend you are like people who are holding each other after a long war is over and peace has been declared and you are being photographed in black and white. Kiss them like it’s going to be hung on someone’s wall someday, as a reminder of what love can be like.

When you kiss someone, don’t church kiss them, unless it’s the kind of kissing you do when you sneak into the confessional booth after hours. Give every part of your mouth to the kiss, but try…

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10 Everyday Things That Can Save A Relationship

Thought Catalog

1. Don’t listen to what they say any less than you did your college lectures. Pay attention to what they tell you, no matter how insignificant or mundane. Don’t turn the conversation back around at yourself by using an example from your own life to compare to theirs. Stop comparing all together. Don’t just talk to them, have an actual conversation– an art that is waning. Don’t pepper your responses with mindless head nods and a high pitched “yeah” or “nice.” Engage.

2. Withhold the blame-placing, even if you know you’re right. There is an incredible emotional buffer in starting sentences with “I believe” rather than the accusatory you-are-wrong-and-I-am-right. Nobody deserves to feel like they’re the lesser in a relationship, especially not for something they think or believe.

3. Be selfless. Not just by monetary means or anything like that, but in the way you remain faithful if you say you…

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19 Surprisingly Hot Things Guys Do Without Realizing It

Thought Catalog

Well, maybe they do realize they’re doing it, but I just want to imagine that it’s a happy accident. I don’t want to believe that any guys are actually that sexily cunning, and are using their powers for evil. Let me live in my peaceful ignorance.

1. Having a perfectly subtle scent of cologne/aftershave that doesn’t overpower but leaves you with that “boy smell” that you just want to get high off of the rest of the day. (God forbid they let you borrow some article of clothing, in which case you might get some sort of lung infection from vigorously inhaling the fibers through your nose.)

2. Lingering on a hug for just a moment too long.

3. Looking you directly in the eyes when they talk to you, with perhaps the occasional glance down to your lips while you’re talking to them.

4. Licking their lips gently when…

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Lately I’ve been asking myself too many questions that I know I cannot answer. I know, I know, “everything happens for a reason,” yeah, I know that. And for so many years, I’ve held on to that belief that everything is going to be okay. But, these past few days, I think my grip to that belief is slowly getting loose. I don’t know what’s happening to me, but it’s just that, I feel like I am getting lost. I am starting to feel that something is missing, that something is wrong, that everything is just not right. I don’t know why. Or maybe I do. Maybe, I knew that this was going to happen, but I was too afraid to do something before it can even happen. But it’s here now. And I don’t know how I can overcome this feeling of emptiness and longing inside me. I don’t want to think that this is coming to an end. I am scared, because I have always wanted this, but I also know, that sometimes, the things that we want, are not the things that we need. If it is necessary for me to let it go, if it is the only way to be free from this despair, then maybe, I don’t have any choice. I know, I was made to believe that if it isn’t hard, then it isn’t worth it. But what if it’s too hard to handle? What if it’s so hard that I am already losing myself, and worse, losing my faith. I don’t even know how to trust anymore. I don’t even know why I am feeling this, and I just want it all to stop, because it’s causing me so much pain, that no immediate relief can be given. I don’t know. And really, I don’t want to know.

Oh God, please, I know, you’re listening. I know you’re there. Please, help me. I need You now, more than ever.

14 Of The Most Powerfully Hot Qualities People Can Have

Thought Catalog

1. A strong sense of self. An undeniably sound understanding of who they are and the confidence and charisma to express that without fear of what other people may sum it up to mean.

2. A physical appearance that’s more themselves than it is a syndicated version of some idealistic beauty that they saw somewhere, or that they were built to believe is what being attractive means. The most beautiful people are the ones who are more unapologetically themselves than they are a copy of someone else.

3. Being unafraid to say what they think, but being able to express such opinions with social grace and the knowledge that their opinion is not the only one that is valid, or that matters.

4. Being capable, not only of the little things, like how to drive stick or file taxes, but also of supporting themselves, leading healthy lives, communicating effectively, etc.

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The Answer Is To Just Love Yourself

Thought Catalog

“Well, that’s what we all want isn’t it,” was her dismissive response when I confessed my dreams.

Not even a question but a statement of fact. As if because we all want such a great life we shouldn’t be able to have it.

I had simply stated that I wanted a job/vocation/pursuit that allowed me to work from anywhere in the world. That I was working, plotting and planning to make it a reality. I admitted that I actually had no idea how I was going to do it, but it was my dream nevertheless.

The girl I was speaking to is only 23 years old! So young yet so jaded.

Despite her casting aside my dreams as folly, I still think it is possible. If I didn’t I think I may just die. Dramatic, I know. But that’s just how much following my dreams means to me. And how…

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11 Things Some Girls Still Don’t Understand

This. I needed this. Thank God I came across this.

Thought Catalog

1. More makeup does not mean more beautiful. More makeup means you look like you put more makeup on. It’s not to say that I think girls should only wear a certain amount of makeup, it’s just to say that there are some girls who will not leave the house without a full face of foundation, concealer, contouring and a smokey eye and I think it kind of wanes on their quality of life. I know, I used to be one of these girls.

2. You should never be at the whim of your partner’s will because you are a woman, and if you are, it’s your duty to stand up for yourself and other women until we live in a culture where that isn’t an issue.

3. Nobody is impressed by how little you ate today. They want to give you a sandwich and explain to you the world…

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Smile!

I was browsing through my previous pictures and started to notice something.

My smile has changed.

It must be because of this splinter I am wearing for my TMJ, which by the way, changed the structure of my face altogether (that, or I just gained so much weight these past few months). It’s been in my mouth for more than a year now and it really makes me smile differently. But then, I have realized that it’s not because of my splinter that I smile differently now. It’s because on how I looked at myself these past few months. Sad to say, I may have lost my sparkle.

I have been so insecure these past few weeks… okay, months now, comparing myself to other people, and thinking of what others have to say, etc. etc. It’s sickening, I know, because I used to not care what other has to say, or what others’ faces looked like. I literally just don’t give a dang. But now, I feel like I have to look good all the time, and not because for myself, but because I wanted people to tell me that I do, look good, which is very very wrong and just, annoying. It’s me, slowly becoming vain, silently. EW. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is that I stopped liking myself. I stopped looking at myself the way I did before. I started to see myself as an “unpretty” lady. I stopped seeing my worth. And I knew, it has to stop. I have to stop comparing myself to someone I don’t even know. I just want it to stop. I don’t want to be insecure anymore. I don’t want to see myself ugly nor fat anymore. I just want to love myself again, regardless of how I looked like today. 😦

I am not like this. I am not. This is not who I am. I used to embrace myself for who I am and for who I am not. Why do I care about… UGH!

It’s been two months since I last posted something here. Maybe I just got a little busy. I’ve been traveling a lot, and I was busy spending most of my time with him. But now, I think, I need to blog again to be saved.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t even know what to say or think anymore. I feel pain in my body, I feel mentally incapable. I guess the only thing that keeps me living is my spirit. It’s hard to have faith whenever you are being tested, but I believe that faith is most powerful when you are. I don’t know. I really don’t. But right now, all I can do is surrender to God everything and hope that eventually everything is going to be okay. It will, eventually.

All I know is that right now, only Him can save me. Only Him.

5 Things You Learn In A Long-Distance Relationship

Amen.

Thought Catalog

1. Skype is the single greatest invention of all time.

What did long-distance couples do before Skype? No, wait, don’t answer — I already know the answer, and I don’t want to even think of it. I can’t imagine a world without the ability to open up your computer and see the person you love most as though they were right next to you. Sure, you can’t touch them (even though you will definitely touch the screen and the camera as much as possible and end up with a bunch of fingerprints all over your computer), but you can feel that they are closer. You can see their dimples when they laugh, see the way their eyes close when they’re really happy, see the way they look at you as though they are trying to remember every last detail of the way you are in that moment. (Not to mention…

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