Not today…

You know what the difference is between those who are hoping to succeed and are already successful? The former waits for the “perfect” timing and opportunity, while the latter takes the risk, regardless of the situation. As much as I hate to say it, I am the former.

For the longest time, I have always wanted to become a writer. Although I do not have the broadest vocabulary, in addition to my poor spelling and “cheesy” way of writing, it is through the idea of sharing the beauty of what is unfolding in front of me through pen and paper that I get to experience peace and a sense of fulfillment. But I have always been afraid of what others will say about the way that I write and see things, adding up to my fear of criticism and “not being good enough.” I see other people succeed in their dreams, and here I am, in front of a computer, working my ass off, with no feeling of serenity or contentment whatsoever. I love the people that I work with, and my jobs (yes, I have more than one) help pay the bills but… they don’t make me as happy as when I write. Sometimes, whenever I see other people I know become successful in their blogs or business, I can’t help but feel envious of what they have attained. I would both feel encouraged and disheartened; thinking that maybe, I can taste the sweetness of life just like them, but then realize that I don’t have the resources like them to do the same thing. Not enough resources… funny, no? What’s funnier is the fact that I have always believed that I am capable of excellence, of something great, but for some reason, I lack the confidence of achieving success. I can’t tell you how many times I have faked my confidence in every interview that I went to, in every conversation that I attended to. Still, at the end of the day, I look at myself as lacking and incapable of the “greatness” I have been striving for.

I know this post seems a bit negative, and quite frankly, I don’t know how to leave on a positive note. Right now, I just feel like, maybe one day, I can become the person that I want to be, and do the things that I have always dreamed to do… but, not today, no.

Today

They say that in order to be truly happy, you have to do something you love. It is one of those sayings that are too easy to say, but extremely hard to actually do.

I have always wanted to become a writer, but I never really saw myself “good enough” to be one to start with. Being surrounded by intellectual people all my life, it has never been easy for me to pursue my dreams, let alone post a blog post without being concerned about what others have to say. “Not good enough,” and “what others have to say,”—these are phrases that make me shiver down to my bones every single day. Every. Single. Day.

The truth is, I am tired. I am tired of allowing myself to be haunted by these monsters that I know are just figments of my imagination. I am tired of always asking myself, “why can’t you do that?” whenever I see other people succeed from something they started out of nothing. I am so tired of myself just not doing anything. I know it sounds weird, but I really am, tired. I don’t want to be in my deathbed one day, full of regret, thinking why I am allowing myself to die without leaving a mark and making a difference. I just can’t afford to lose every opportunity that I am given every time, because I always let my fears take over me. I don’t want to, and I want to keep trying not to.

That is why, today, I am letting all my fears go. I am letting go of all the monsters that I have been trying to win against since day one. I have realized that maybe, winning is not the way to make them stop. Maybe, all I have to do is to simply let them all go. Letting go has always been difficult for me, but if I would always let myself be defeated, I will never become the person that I want to become. I will never be truly happy. Isn’t that our ultimate goal as human beings; to experience genuine happiness?

There is no other day to do something but today. There is no other day for you to do what you really want to do but today. There is no other day to take the risk but today.

It’s today. Not tomorrow, and definitely not yesterday, but TODAY.

#Hugot

Bakit nga ba nakakatakot magmahal? Sabi nga nila, “ang pag-ibig ay para sa matatapang lang.” Kaya kung duwag ka, wag mo nang subukan pa. Masasaktan ka lang.

Pero hindi ba’t iyon ang kagandahan kapag umiibig ka? Hindi yung masasaktan ka, pero, yung magiging “ikaw” pagkatapos mong masaktan. Oo, kailangan mo pagdaanan lahat ng sakit, lahat ng araw na gusto mo na lang mamatay para mawala na lahat ng nararamdaman mo. Mahirap. Masakit. Pero pagkatapos nun, maniwala ka man o hindi, doon mo makikita, doon mo mararamdaman, na okay lang pala. Na magiging okay din pala ang lahat.

Pagkatapos ng lahat, doon mo malalaman na kaya mo naman pala. Na kahit anong sakit at hirap, kaya mo pala. Yung akala mong walang katapusan, matatapos din pala. Yung hindi mo inaasahan na mawawala, mawawala rin pala. Ang lahat ng iyon, ngingitian mo na lang, tatawanan, at sasabihin sa sarili, “Bakit ka natakot? Kaya mo naman pala.”

Masakit at nakakatakot magmahal. Pero gayunpaman, masarap sa pakiramdam. At higit sa lahat, sa bawat sakit na iyong mararamdaman, tumatatag at tumatalino ka.

 

#thoughts #isip #utak

HH

I’d like to think that I am so much better than this. I feel disappointed that I don’t have the same enthusiasm as before, and that I don’t feel as motivated as I used to be. There is no other word to describe it: it’s just… sad. I want to believe that I am better than this, but even believing for me is a chore. I am close to giving up on life. I am close to just accepting that this is my fate.

I used to dream big. I used to think that I can be anything, go anywhere, and be anyone I want to become. It looked impossible to everybody but myself. And now, it seems like I have the same thinking as those who never believed in me.

I am tired. I am tired of this life. I am tired of working just for money. I am tired of waiting for the perfect moment. I am tired of not being able to do what I want, when I see somebody else’s dreams unfold in front of them.

But this is the life that I chose. There is no one to blame, but me.

Sana

Gusto kong isipin na inilagay ako ng nasa itaas kung saan man ako nararapat. Ngunit paminsan minsan, hindi ko mapigilan na maramdaman na hindi pa ito ang panghabang-buhay kong gusto na marating. Marahil hindi ako masaya sa aking hanap-buha. Oo, aaminin ko na dahil sa aking trabaho, nakakakain ako ng masarap na mga pagkain at nakakatulog sa malambot na higaan, ngunit alam ko na hindi ako masaya sa aking ginagawa. Siguro’y dahil alam ko kung ano ang aking gusto, ngunit masyado akong takot sa hinaharap kapag aking inabandona itong trabahong nagbibigay sa akin ng kaginhawaan. Nakakatawa, hindi ba? Alam ko kung ano ang gusto ko, ngunit wala akong ginagawa. Nakakatakot kasi. Oo, duwag ako. Duwag akong tumalon at tawirin ang walang kasiguraduhan, kahit na alam kong doon lamang ako liligaya. Hindi ko rin kasi mapigilan na isipin na hindi na lamang ako ang dapat kong buhayin. Nariyan ang aking kabiyak na, kagaya ko, ay nagpapakahirap para sa kinabukasan ng aming pamilya.

Nakakalungkot na isipin na hindi ko kayang makipagsapalaran para marating ang dapat kong paroonan. Sana ay isang araw, maging matapang ako na tahakin ang walang kasiguraduhan, upang marating ko ang kaligayahan na aking inaasam.

DO NOT READ if sensitive to CURSING!

WARNING: BAD WORDS all over. If you are sensitive to cursing, DO NOT read.

There are days when you just feel like you’re done. You don’t want anymore of this shit you’re dealing with. And you know what? That’s perfectly fine.

Today, I feel like I don’t want to care about what other people think of me anymore. These past few months, I have been dealing with people saying bad things about me, and it bothered me a lot. But then I’ve realized, people will always say something, both good and bad. And so what, right? I don’t give a fuck anymore. I have been so depressed from people trying to put me down, and right now, I just don’t care anymore. I know who I am, and I know what is right from wrong, and I know in myself that I did not do anything wrong to anybody. My conscience is clear, and so, I choose to give ZERO fucks to all of you who try to say bad things to me. I am done trying to prove myself wrong to anybody, because I know that I can never ever please everybody. I would just put all my energy to those who truly care and love me, because that’s all that matters.

 

Not even you.

DSC_0559Sometimes I’d like to believe that my dreams are bigger than everybody else’s, and so, whenever somebody achieves theirs, I keep telling myself not to worry, because mine is bigger and it’ll take longer for me to get there. But then there are times when I’d blame myself for having such a dream, telling myself that it’s too big, it’s impossible. I guess, I’ve always known what I want to become, but I am too scared to do it. I keep blaming my circumstances, the people around me, and my fear or failing. And because of that, I become idle and end up doing nothing about it. Now, I can’t help but think that it’s too late for me to do the things that I’ve always wanted to do, to do the things I need to do to reach my ever so high and gargantuan dreams. It’s all because something keeps stopping me: fear. I fear so much, maybe even all things, and sometimes, I can’t help but admit that my fears are bigger than my dreams. My fears keep getting in the way of me grasping victory, and I just let it overcome, not just my dreams, but my heart and soul. Killing the hopes I have of me becoming the person that I choose to be.

But that’s it, isn’t it? It’s my choice. I choose to be eaten by my fears, instead of leaping to get to where I want to be, to where I should  be. I always choose to stay, to wait, to settle. Thinking that maybe, this is all there is to my life. And I guess, I am looking for more, hoping for more, wishing for more, because I choose to settle. I choose to let my fears be bigger than my dreams, instead of pushing for my dreams to become bigger than my fears.

I hope, one day, I choose to dream bigger than my fears. I hope, one day, my fears be as little as a pea, and my dreams be as high as a mountain.

And when that happens, no one and nothing, can ever stop me from becoming the person that I am meant to be. Not even you, fear, not even you.

Sometimes I’d like to think that I have a brave heart for going to an unfamiliar place and just going out here. But most of the time, I find myself hoping that things went the other way. I was hoping that I didn’t have to leave my home, my family and friends, my comfort zone. But then again, I’d tell myself, if leaving my comfort zone is what will make me a braver little soul, then I guess, it would be worth all the pain and longing. There are times when I’d start to cry, and long for my Mom and Dad, and my siblings, but then I would come back to my senses and say to myself that I am not a baby anymore. I shouldn’t be like this. But the truth is, I am. I am still a baby, I am their baby. And nothing, no one, not even this distance we have in between of all us can take that away.

I am my husband’s Queen, but I will always be my Parents’ Princess.

Leap

 

DSC_0548It’s funny how I know what I want, and do nothing about it. Actually, it’s not funny. It’s actually quite sad. It’s sad because I am not taking the leap, just because I feel like it’s going to be such a high jump that I might fall and eventually, die. But I guess that’s how it works, leaping. I guess most of the time, we leap without any assurance that we’ll reach the other side. But then when we are up there, when we actually take the leap, we start to hope that we will hit the bulls eye. And that’s usually what makes us take the leap– that little spark of hope, more than a “maybe,” or a “possibly,” but a “hopefully.”

That’s the beauty of taking the leap, I think; the thought that even though I know I might fall, get injured, or worse, die, I’d still want to take it. Because I’d like to believe – I hope – that while I am up there, I get to where I want to be safely, and wholly. And even though I don’t get there, even though I know there’s a higher chance I’d get injured, or maybe even die, at least, I could say, “I died trying.”

There are times when I’d think that getting married at such a young age was such a mistake. We got into a commitment when both of us aren’t even sure of what we want to be, where we want to be yet. And I guess maybe the biggest regret for me, is me leaving my family early. I am the youngest and yet, I was the first one to leave. This may not seem to be a big deal for others, especially those who have been independent since after high school, but for someone like me, who have been with my family since I was born, I didn’t know how to be away from them. Every now and then, I find myself affirming the child in me that everything is going to be okay. Especially when I ask myself why, and if I had made the right choice. And then, I’d come and slap myself on the face, to release the fears and doubts in me, and to let this child remember that it was her choice, so she has to be firm with it and be strong. There is no good thing that comes from running away. The feeling of being okay after running away is only temporary, especially with the thought that whatever you are running away from follows you anyways.

But then, even when everything seems so wrong, and it seems like it was such a mistake, it all makes sense whenever we embrace it out at the end of the day. It is indeed frustrating, but it’s also fulfilling once I get a kiss from him, and I could feel his warmth all through my body.

Sometimes, what we think as a big mistake is actually the biggest turn around in our lives. It gives us the most beautiful unexpected blessing, and even when given the chance to turn back time, we’d still do the same, over and over.

When Depression Hits You

This time last year, I was extremely depressed. It was my first time to experience winter here in Alaska, and a lot of things happened together with that. What’s worse was I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I didn’t want my family back home to worry, and I didn’t want my husband to be stressed out, too. I didn’t have much friends here back then, and all of my friends back in the Philippines were living their own lives, and so I didn’t think it would matter in any way. But in every sense, I knew that there was something wrong with me. I was crying every single day, and nobody knew about it. During that time, I resorted to prayer. I have asked God so many times, “why?” and “did I really deserve this?” It was heartbreaking that there was even a time when I wished I wouldn’t wake up, thinking that the only way for all the pain to stop was for me to “stop” as well. It was heartbreaking, because I thought that there was nobody I could turn to. And I think that this is what gets to people who are depressed: the thought that nobody was/is there to help them. There were some people I knew who took their own lives. During those times, I kind of wished I was there for them, because I knew that I might have helped them, but I didn’t. I guess that’s how depression is: deadly, but silent. Nobody will tell you up right that “hey, I am depressed, I need someone.” I don’t think so. People who are depressed and anxious hide it to themselves, because they lack the confidence that people will care.

When depression hits you, it hits you hard. You can feel it from your scalp to your heels. It cuts right through your bones, and it kills you from the inside. You lose all your blood, as your heart stops pumping from becoming numb for feeling all those pain. It blackens your soul, and captures all the joy that was left. Sometimes, you don’t even realize it. But you are slowly dying.

Because, again, when depression hits you, it hits you hard.

I am writing this now, because I wanted to do this when I know that I am okay already. Sometimes, the sadness comes back, but it doesn’t hit me as much. Especially now, that I am reassured that I have people around me who always encourage me. And I wanted to do this when I know that I can help someone who is battling with it. Let me tell you something: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Don’t ever think that no one will be there when you cry for help. Some people will reject you, will laugh at you, will say “you are always so sad,” or would even suggest to “don’t think about it too much,” and judge that “you are too emotional.” DON’T LET THEM FEED YOUR SADNESS. These people don’t understand. Do not be disheartened by them. You have to stand up for yourself, and keep fighting.

When depression hits you, don’t let it eat you all up. Fight against it. Fight for yourself. At the end of it all, it will always be your choice, to either lose to it, or win against it.

It’s Okay

I grew up thinking that nothing is impossible. That’s probably why I would have high hopes on everything, on everyone. I’d get disappointed easily, and it would break my heart whenever something wouldn’t go my way. That’s also probably why most people that I grew up with see me as an overly emotional girl, who just doesn’t know how to move on. And maybe, for at least once in my life, they were right. I guess you can say that it was (and maybe it still is) really hard for me to let go of something I thought I could fix. But then, this affirms me that I can never really please everybody, not even myself sometimes. And I guess, that is okay. Maybe it’s okay to tell yourself that it will never be okay between you and something or someone. You just have to learn to accept it. I mean, there’s no question that you can live with that, but you just need to accept that some things are just not meant to be, and just believe that time heals all wounds. It wouldn’t be overnight, but it will happen eventually. Right?

 

#HuGoat #Feels

Forget to Forgive.

(c)ABZ

To “forgive and forget” is truly a saying that is easier said than done. But as I went on living my life, I have come to realize that this saying may actually be structurally wrong. If you look at the phrase closely, the placing of words seem a bit incorrect, as it is quite impossible to be able to do one before the other. All the more, it is asking you to do two things at once, when it certainly is not easy, and maybe even quite impossible to do both all at the same time (not unless you are God, who is all forgetful and forgiving of our sins!). I think that instead of “forgive and forget,” it should be “forget to forgive.” I think that in order to be able to forgive, you have to be able to accept it, and forget it first, before anything else. It’s easy to say, “I forgive you,” but then we imprint in ourselves what was done to us, all the forgiveness might have been in vain. To forgive, we must forget, and when you forgive, you are freed. It’s confusing, I know, but it’s not incomprehensible.

To explain better, let me remind you of the story of The Prodigal Son. This parable is probably my favorite story in the Bible, because I think that this perfectly sums up my relationship with Christ. To refresh, this parable is about a story of a son who took his inheritance before his father dies, and spends it all of by living an extravagant life. But due to his selfishness and greed, he spent them all and he was left with nothing, even feeding off of hogs’ food. He returned to his father, ready to repent and be condemned, but when he returned home, he was immediately welcomed by his father with a feast and an embrace. The other son, who didn’t leave the father all this time, became angry that his father seemed to have forgotten what his brother did to them. The father explained that it is something to celebrate because what was once lost came back to them.

Now, you may think that the father is crazy to do what he did, but as mental as it sounds, that is exactly what I was trying to explain. You see, the father’s forgetfulness implies his forgiveness towards his son. The fact that he made himself forget of what his son did to him, made it possible for him to forgive. He said that there was a reason to celebrate because something that was lost came back. Of course, in this instance, he was pertaining to the son, but I think he was also pertaining to himself here. He lost himself when he was hurt with what his son did to him. But when his son came back, and forgave him, he celebrated because he felt like he came back home with his son. This is also what happens when we forget and forgive. More than losing the person who has brought us in the state of suffering, we lose ourselves, too, and so, when we are able to let go, to forget, we slowly put ourselves back together again. We learn to love ourselves more, and realize that forgiveness is not just freedom for the Other, but freedom for ourselves.

It is definitely not easy to forget someone’s wrongdoing towards you, but it’s the first step in order for us to fully forgive. In order for us to find ourselves again, we must be willing to forget to forgive, so we can understand why things had to happen, and why we had to experience pain and suffering. Some people will disagree with me, as they may think they can forgive, but never forget. But if you think about it, how can you tell yourself that you really have forgiven, when you still go back and remember? Doesn’t it seem more plausible to forgive when we have finally decided to let go of the things we need to let go first? As I have always said, letting go does not always mean giving up. Most of the time, to let go means we are strong enough to think that we deserve more than what we are holding on to. The only way to be free is to let go and forgive. In the end, we realize that we must forget to forgive, not only for the benefit of the Other, but also our own peace of mind and heart.

Forget to forgive. Forgive to be healed. Be healed to love. Love to be loved.

Grip and Let Go

Isn’t it funny how every time you needed some kind of consolation, in some weird way, you suddenly hear or read something that’s just so right for your situation? I just felt that during mass earlier today, God was speaking to me, but I am too preoccupied with something else– my self-pity.

I feel like right now, I am in some weird situation. I don’t know if I am even opening myself to any other possibilities at all. I don’t know if this is even what I want. I feel like I am stuck somewhere I don’t even know, and I might be losing myself over the whole process. I know what I want. Or so i think! I am pretty much certain of what I want for my life to become in the future, but right now, it’s like I’ve lost all the hope I used to have in the past. And the truth is… I just want to be okay again.

The world today… it’s uncertain, and for some, even unsafe. I know that in one way or another, events lead us to where we are supposed to be. I mean, we wouldn’t really understand exactly, but it will surely be understood during the time that we reached our destination.

On the bright side, though, at least, I am acknowledging that there is something wrong, not just with what’s happening, but with me as a person as well. Isn’t it so funny how when you finally had that one thing you’ve been hoping and praying for, for a very long time, you feel like this isn’t right for you, that this isn’t making you grow? I guess that’s how beings are, really. We want and aim for one thing but we can never be really satisfied with it. And it even makes me question the feeling of need and want– how even when we need something, we never really wanted it, and how we want something so bad, we never really needed in the first place. How complicated it can be, I don’t understand why, but that’s just how it’s always been, at least for me.

Right now, I don’t think that I am exactly where i am supposed to be. Or no, maybe, I am exactly where I am supposed to be, but it’s just that not what or where I wanted myself to be in. But sometimes, and actually, maybe, most of the time, it is in this instance that we become who we are supposed to be, who we are meant to be. Life sometimes brings us to such an uncertain place and position, and this place frightens us, yes, but it also enables us to just be. And it’s such a complicated, twisted reality, but that’s how we learn, and how we unlearn. We grip, then we let go.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang karamihan ng tao mahilig manghusga.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang karamihan ng tao nakikita lamang ang kahusayan nila at ang kapangitan ng iba.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang karamihan ng tao, kahit paulit-ulit pagsabihan, hindi parin nakikinig.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit halos lahat tayo puro “ako” ang bukang bibig.

Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko maintindihan.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit saan ako magpunta, may ibang taong makikinig lamang sa gusto nilang pakinggan.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit saan ako makarating, may ibang taong tititigan lamang ang gusto nilang makita.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit kanino ako magtanong, paulit-ulit ang naririnig na sagot.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit sino ang kausap, pare-pareho ang naririnig na kasagutan.

Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko maintindihan.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon nagtatanong parin ako kung “bakit?”

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagmamahal parin kahit paulit-ulit nasasaktan.

Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko maintindihan.

Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko maintindihan.

Lost in abyss

Let me tell you something. I am crazy. Not only because I am a girl. But I think I really am, crazy, incapable of thinking straight. I find myself whirling around my thoughts, and I am lost. It happens, right? We get lost sometimes. We don’t know where we want to be, what we want to do, who we want to become.

Is it just me? Or does it happen to everyone else, getting lost?

Maybe, we are all just lost souls, wandering around the planet, without any idea what the universe is going to make us do next. But then, we realize we don’t need the universe to tell us what we should do, as we are capable of making our own choices, of doing what we think and feel is right. We can also choose what’s wrong, as choosing what’s wrong and making a mistake is what makes us all human. If that is so, then why are we so afraid to make mistakes, to fail? Why do we always think that failure is only for the weak? Did we not learn about those who have failed in the past, and yet, succeeded in the present? I don’t really like the notion of “future” since it breaks our ability to appreciate what we can do now, so I say present. Maybe that’s it. Maybe, we become lost because we are not living in the present. Sometimes, we linger in the past, and we expect the future, without us, noticing what the present is giving us now. NOW. Not yesterday, not tomorrow. NOW. Maybe, we fear so much about the future that we forget how important the present is. Maybe we let ourselves be haunted by the past, that we neglect the good that the present gives.

Maybe, we all are just taking advantage of the present. Maybe, we all become crazy, as we all try to bring back what was once, and fast forward to what can be. We get lost because we don’t let ourselves be found. We get lost because we do not want failure, or pain, or sickness. Of course, who wants those? Nobody. But that’s it, isn’t it? We are afraid to take risks now, that’s why we all get lost to our routines, to our regrets, to our narcissistic ambitions. Risking has always been for the brave. It will always be for the brave. A coward will never risk, nor even try. That’s why when the brave gets lost, the brave risks everything, not to get back, but to get better.

We all get lost. And the only way to be found, is to open our eyes, look at what is in front of us, NOW. And then maybe, when we look at it, and as it stares back at us, we will realize that the past and the future do not exist. What exists is the present. Who we are now, what we are now, where we are now. And maybe, that is the only way to be found, not by looking back or by looking ahead—but just by looking.

Follow Me

Sometimes we run away to see if the other will go after us, if they will try their best to get us back. That’s what I did. But I guess, it doesn’t always work that way. I wanted him to follow me, to go after me, but he didn’t. And I think… No.

Now, I know, where I stand. I have confirmed it. And there is no need to run anymore.

Falling

I don’t know what’s happened to me. No, wait… I don’t know what is happening still. I am confused of what brought me here, and the truth is I have been crazier more than ever.

I am sorry.