Not today…

You know what the difference is between those who are hoping to succeed and are already successful? The former waits for the “perfect” timing and opportunity, while the latter takes the risk, regardless of the situation. As much as I hate to say it, I am the former.

For the longest time, I have always wanted to become a writer. Although I do not have the broadest vocabulary, in addition to my poor spelling and “cheesy” way of writing, it is through the idea of sharing the beauty of what is unfolding in front of me through pen and paper that I get to experience peace and a sense of fulfillment. But I have always been afraid of what others will say about the way that I write and see things, adding up to my fear of criticism and “not being good enough.” I see other people succeed in their dreams, and here I am, in front of a computer, working my ass off, with no feeling of serenity or contentment whatsoever. I love the people that I work with, and my jobs (yes, I have more than one) help pay the bills but… they don’t make me as happy as when I write. Sometimes, whenever I see other people I know become successful in their blogs or business, I can’t help but feel envious of what they have attained. I would both feel encouraged and disheartened; thinking that maybe, I can taste the sweetness of life just like them, but then realize that I don’t have the resources like them to do the same thing. Not enough resources… funny, no? What’s funnier is the fact that I have always believed that I am capable of excellence, of something great, but for some reason, I lack the confidence of achieving success. I can’t tell you how many times I have faked my confidence in every interview that I went to, in every conversation that I attended to. Still, at the end of the day, I look at myself as lacking and incapable of the “greatness” I have been striving for.

I know this post seems a bit negative, and quite frankly, I don’t know how to leave on a positive note. Right now, I just feel like, maybe one day, I can become the person that I want to be, and do the things that I have always dreamed to do… but, not today, no.

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