This time last year, I was extremely depressed. It was my first time to experience winter here in Alaska, and a lot of things happened together with that. What’s worse was I didn’t have anyone to talk to. I didn’t want my family back home to worry, and I didn’t want my husband to be stressed out, too. I didn’t have much friends here back then, and all of my friends back in the Philippines were living their own lives, and so I didn’t think it would matter in any way. But in every sense, I knew that there was something wrong with me. I was crying every single day, and nobody knew about it. During that time, I resorted to prayer. I have asked God so many times, “why?” and “did I really deserve this?” It was heartbreaking that there was even a time when I wished I wouldn’t wake up, thinking that the only way for all the pain to stop was for me to “stop” as well. It was heartbreaking, because I thought that there was nobody I could turn to. And I think that this is what gets to people who are depressed: the thought that nobody was/is there to help them. There were some people I knew who took their own lives. During those times, I kind of wished I was there for them, because I knew that I might have helped them, but I didn’t. I guess that’s how depression is: deadly, but silent. Nobody will tell you up right that “hey, I am depressed, I need someone.” I don’t think so. People who are depressed and anxious hide it to themselves, because they lack the confidence that people will care.
When depression hits you, it hits you hard. You can feel it from your scalp to your heels. It cuts right through your bones, and it kills you from the inside. You lose all your blood, as your heart stops pumping from becoming numb for feeling all those pain. It blackens your soul, and captures all the joy that was left. Sometimes, you don’t even realize it. But you are slowly dying.
Because, again, when depression hits you, it hits you hard.
I am writing this now, because I wanted to do this when I know that I am okay already. Sometimes, the sadness comes back, but it doesn’t hit me as much. Especially now, that I am reassured that I have people around me who always encourage me. And I wanted to do this when I know that I can help someone who is battling with it. Let me tell you something: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Don’t ever think that no one will be there when you cry for help. Some people will reject you, will laugh at you, will say “you are always so sad,” or would even suggest to “don’t think about it too much,” and judge that “you are too emotional.” DON’T LET THEM FEED YOUR SADNESS. These people don’t understand. Do not be disheartened by them. You have to stand up for yourself, and keep fighting.
When depression hits you, don’t let it eat you all up. Fight against it. Fight for yourself. At the end of it all, it will always be your choice, to either lose to it, or win against it.