Isn’t it funny how every time you needed some kind of consolation, in some weird way, you suddenly hear or read something that’s just so right for your situation? I just felt that during mass earlier today, God was speaking to me, but I am too preoccupied with something else– my self-pity.
I feel like right now, I am in some weird situation. I don’t know if I am even opening myself to any other possibilities at all. I don’t know if this is even what I want. I feel like I am stuck somewhere I don’t even know, and I might be losing myself over the whole process. I know what I want. Or so i think! I am pretty much certain of what I want for my life to become in the future, but right now, it’s like I’ve lost all the hope I used to have in the past. And the truth is… I just want to be okay again.
The world today… it’s uncertain, and for some, even unsafe. I know that in one way or another, events lead us to where we are supposed to be. I mean, we wouldn’t really understand exactly, but it will surely be understood during the time that we reached our destination.
On the bright side, though, at least, I am acknowledging that there is something wrong, not just with what’s happening, but with me as a person as well. Isn’t it so funny how when you finally had that one thing you’ve been hoping and praying for, for a very long time, you feel like this isn’t right for you, that this isn’t making you grow? I guess that’s how beings are, really. We want and aim for one thing but we can never be really satisfied with it. And it even makes me question the feeling of need and want– how even when we need something, we never really wanted it, and how we want something so bad, we never really needed in the first place. How complicated it can be, I don’t understand why, but that’s just how it’s always been, at least for me.
Right now, I don’t think that I am exactly where i am supposed to be. Or no, maybe, I am exactly where I am supposed to be, but it’s just that not what or where I wanted myself to be in. But sometimes, and actually, maybe, most of the time, it is in this instance that we become who we are supposed to be, who we are meant to be. Life sometimes brings us to such an uncertain place and position, and this place frightens us, yes, but it also enables us to just be. And it’s such a complicated, twisted reality, but that’s how we learn, and how we unlearn. We grip, then we let go.