It’s ten days before the new year, and just four more days before Christmas. I haven’t been really active in blogging lately, mainly because I have been busy with life… or something.
Frankly, I don’t really feel like it’s the holidays. Don’t get me wrong, it’s my favorite time of the year, the holidays. But this year, I just can’t seem to find that same “spark” I’ve had with the Christmas season for the past years. Maybe it’s because this year went so fast and I may have lost a few battles of my own, including a constant battle with myself and my own insecurities. It makes me really sad, actually. I don’t want to feel this way but I can’t help it sometimes. I just want to be able to feel that “genuine” happiness again. I mean, I have been very blessed this year, but I guess it’s been real tough, too, so I am kind of in the “numb” part of the life-cycle. I know, I know. I may sound a bit foolish, but I guess, sometimes, foolishness is necessary for us to be able to realize that we need change. I do want change. I feel like something is missing in my life, and it’s painfully haunting me. I want to be able to feel like anything is possible again, but right now, I feel like nothing is. You can say that I have been pretty much losing faith in myself and in life lately, and the only thing I am holding on to is my faith in God. And maybe, that is more than enough; believing that faith in God can move mountains. But I still feel that something is lacking, that maybe my life is becoming more of a routine, and it scares me. What if I can never be satisfied? What if this hole in my heart become bigger everyday? I was never as frightened of the future as I am now, and frankly, I have no idea how I will be able to overcome this fear.
Oh please, dear life, help me have faith in you again. Help me become passionate again. I don’t want this feeling anymore. I feel like it’s killing me inside. Though the pain is not physical, I feel like it’s decaying my whole being and it’s exhausting, really. I hate how it feels.
Oh please, Lord. Give me hope.