It’s officially summer. It’s hotter and it irritates me sometimes, but I can handle it. If you ask people who know me, I am usually the type of person who doesn’t get angry. I get irritated and annoyed, but I don’t really hold any grudge nor do I feel like kicking someone’s ass whenever I feel shitty and stuff. But, well, I am just a type of person who keeps quiet for a while (and when I say “a while,” I say, 5-30 mins, 1 hour, at most), and wants to be alone, and after this “while,” I smile and talk again. I don’t know how to get angry, and sometimes it kills me. It kills me because I am a person too, and I do know how to get hurt, how it feels like to be unloved, unappreciated, etc. But I rarely complain about it. I am usually the type of person who would, you know, hate to have someone hate me, and hate someone to hate. I do get jealous and insecure sometimes, well, most of the time, really, but I come to my senses easily, and thank God, I haven’t killed somebody yet. Especially when you’re in the same kind of relationship that I am in. You know, being in a long distance relationship has given me so much to think about. It did make me a lot crazier, but it also made me very tough. I am a type of person who easily pities another person, believing that in this harsh word, there is still a “muscle of humanity” alive, as my thesis adviser would remind me. And the truth is, I am a very paranoid person, and I do things that would normally annoy people. But I guess, sometimes we do crazy things, not just for the sake of doing them, but because for a second, it makes us feel better, happier. And, on top of all the things I wrote above, I feel so rotten inside, not because I am not happy, but because I am deeply longing for him. I really miss him so much. I want to see him, touch him, feel his skin, embrace him, hold his hand, kiss him slowly. I want to be able to do things with him and laugh with him. I just want to be with him again. And I know we’ll see each other again this June, but, I just want to be with him, like, right now, at this very moment. I want to cuddle with him, sleep with him, and when I say sleep with him, not have sex, but to just sleep beside him. He respects me, and that’s something I really like, no, love about him. He sees me differently, the way I see him differently. He’s, well, we, are not one with the world. He keeps changing my perception of the world. He makes me believe in small things, on how they can make a difference. He makes me feel loved, and feel God’s love through his love. He makes me feel like I am the most beautiful girl in the world, even though I think I am never that special. He just makes me believe.
He’s different. That’s why it sucks big time, being so far away from him. I am longing for him. And it’s what hurts even more, I guess. You know, I am not sad because he makes me sad. He does otherwise, actually. He makes me very happy, and I am ecstatic, and it’s pretty much something I think every person would want to have, would want to feel… Loved. I mean, truly be loved. It isn’t the best relationship one can be in, because we fight, like, all the time, but at the end of the day, I just know in my heart that I can’t live without him anymore. He’s become a part of me, of my soul, that even this distance that separates us is just like thin air that can easily be breathed in. Damn, he is the best person, ever. It’s insane, really, this feeling. How much I want to be with him, and it kills me, not being able to do so. I love him so much and I just want to be beside him. I want to be in the same country and time zones. I just want to be able to touch him, and go out on a date with him, maybe watch a movie and we’d kiss on the best parts. I dunno, I just, I miss him so much, and there’s nothing in this world I think about but him, being with him. I guess I would just have to wait to do this again. I just have to keep on trusting and have faith. That’s all I can do, besides love, right?