Last night, I went to my most favorite place on earth (EDSA Shrine), sat infront of the altar and cried. I didn’t even have to say anything, the tears all just started falling down. I am beginning to feel the pain more and more each day. Maybe because of the fact that I am asking myself what I have done to experience all of that. I don’t know. I always believe that there is always a reason for everything. There is a reason why I have grown apart from some people I have learned to love the way that there is a reason why the stars are not visible in the morning. I’ve cried my heart out last night and it felt really good. It felt good because I finally was able to talk to Him and I didn’t really have to utter a word. He knew right away the moment I entered into His house, to our home.
But I must admit that right now I still feel really bad. There is this hole inside my heart and yet, ironically, it’s so heavy that it’s running in circles, my heart. Questioning what I have done wrong. Why. How. When. But I guess the most painful thing really is not knowing the answers to all of them. I think asking is easier, though also painful, it is harder to live day by day, not knowing why it has come to this.
I guess, I just really want to have a happy Christmas. I don’t understand why this has to happen and why it has to be like this, but I am hoping that one day everything will be okay, and be like it was. I am just confident that I know in my heart, and I believe God knows, too, that I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG TO ANYONE. I am not that kind of person. I just want everything to be okay. I want all the broken relationships to be fixed (hoping it’s possible) and my heart to be healed. I never used and never will I use God’s name in vain. I am speaking with all honesty as I think I deserve to be heard, too.
It’s just that… words are not enough, tears aren’t, too, but atleast they clear my eyes from being blind.