When the only thing you can do is CRY

Last night, I went to my most favorite place on earth (EDSA Shrine), sat infront of the altar and cried. I didn’t even have to say anything, the tears all just started falling down. I am beginning to feel the pain more and more each day. Maybe because of the fact that I am asking myself what I have done to experience all of that. I don’t know. I always believe that there is always a reason for everything. There is a reason why I have grown apart from some people I have learned to love the way that there is a reason why the stars are not visible in the morning. I’ve cried my heart out last night and it felt really good. It felt good because I finally was able to talk to Him and I didn’t really have to utter a word. He knew right away the moment I entered into His house, to our home.

But I must admit that right now I still feel really bad. There is this hole inside my heart and yet, ironically, it’s so heavy that it’s running in circles, my heart. Questioning what I have done wrong. Why. How. When. But I guess the most painful thing really is not knowing the answers to all of them. I think asking is easier, though also painful, it is harder to live day by day, not knowing why it has come to this.

I guess, I just really want to have a happy Christmas. I don’t understand why this has to happen and why it has to be like this, but I am hoping that one day everything will be okay, and be like it was. I am just confident that I know in my heart, and I believe God knows, too, that I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG TO ANYONE. I am not that kind of person. I just want everything to be okay. I want all the broken relationships to be fixed (hoping it’s possible) and my heart to be healed. I never used and never will I use God’s name in vain. I am speaking with all honesty as I think I deserve to be heard, too.

It’s just that… words are not enough, tears aren’t, too, but atleast they clear my eyes from being blind.

Advertisements

6 comments

  1. Paul Ricoeur · December 12, 2012

    There is a reason in everything, yes. But these reasons are only comprehended retroactively. To remind you Kierkegaard’s beautiful statement: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it MUST (even sometimes it is absurd) be lived forwards.” In this sense, God has retreated; He stepped back, leaving us not to perish, but to flourish on our own. He wants us to grow, to overcome all the puzzles and booby traps of life so that we may understand truly how He loves us so. 😀 Stay strong, for God is watching you from His television, cheering you, monitoring you every step of the way 😀

    • loveisallaroundme · December 12, 2012

      Hi Mr. Ricoeur, thank you for this beautiful comment. Yes, I do agree with you when you say that God lets us flourish on our own. We just have to brave enough to still believe that it doesn’t mean an abandonment. That though we feel and seem alone, we aren’t, never was and never will be. 🙂 Thanks again!

      • Paul Ricoeur · December 12, 2012

        “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17. I like your name: “loveisallaroundme” Honor this faith in love, for love is the shadowy abyss that separates what is human from what is divine, but, paradoxically, it is what entwines them. That is why we sometimes fail when we love, for it is a grace, a gift from up above, exerted by human desire. But as for you.. you are full of love I guess, so let it overflow to exhaust all the pain inside you.

      • loveisallaroundme · December 12, 2012

        Thank you for this verse. I needed it badly. Thank you, too, for reminding me that when all else fails, love doesn’t… HE doesn’t. I have chosen this username because I got it from a song, and well, because it’s true, that love is everywhere, and in fact, around me. Thank you for your kind and sweet words. I know who you are. :p

  2. Paul Ricoeur · December 14, 2012

    Sorry for being naive in giving you my advice. I was too distant to comprehend the pain you are into. Yes, the most painful question ever is “WHY?” or “HOW COULD HE/SHE/THEY BE?” The excruciating uneasiness smothers everything. That, in this case, it is not absurd suffering that is most unacceptable, but an overflowing explanation for pain, for suffering, for philosophical, literary and so on insights – but you cannot ease the pain.. Absurdity invites you to search, that is to say you are still innocent for the reasons. But superabundance means you are powerless, you are nailed into this ever-tearing pain beyond all the reasons you can tell yourself… I’m sorry..

    • loveisallaroundme · December 14, 2012

      It’s fine. I think it’s even more painful because I do not know the reason why this is happening. I mean, I know in my heart that I have not done anything wrong to anyone, and I think the most painful thing really is not knowing WHY. This question is always asking for an answer. Unlike the other questions, it can be left unanswered and still feel fine but WHYs are excruciating. They have the power to haunt us for the rest of our lives.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s