Music Lover Hater

Isn’t it funny how when you’re sad every song you listen to is making you feel good and crappy at the same time? I remember in my Empiricism class way back in college, my professor once said that if you’re brokenhearted and you listen to sad love songs, you have a very big chance of totally killing yourself emotionally. That actually made me laugh, because during that time I was literally brokenhearted and I always listen to sad love songs every night before I sleep. After he said that, I stopped listening to the songs on my phone, because all of the songs there were mellow and just plain sad. I only listened to the songs we sang in our chorale, and though some of the songs we sing there are love songs, it doesn’t really affect me that much because well, during those days we were focusing on church songs and really classical typical chorale songs. So anyway, it did help me. I stopped listening to my favorite love songs, even the happy ones. Being a music lover for all my life, it was hard for the first few weeks, but then I got used to just watching movies and television shows, that I have forgotten to listen to, to really creep on and weep with music. It helped me because being a hopeless romantic and sensitive person, I came back to praying the rosary whenever I am traveling, instead of listening to music that makes me want to cry even though there are many people in the bus. Shocks.

Music helps us recover, but let’s face it, music also terribly gets us sometimes. It makes us imagine, yes, and sometimes it’s even more dangerous because it makes us want to go back. But I think after almost three months of not having to listen to the songs I usually listen to, I was able to walk again. Then, I knew I had to turn to music again for help. And so, when listening to the songs that once made me weep and loathe everybody then made me feel numb all of a sudden. You know, you realize how stupid you were before for drowning yourself to those songs and at the same time you’re thankful because somehow the very same songs made you stronger, as you remember and reminisce. And as my favorite philosopher said, you have to remember to forget. You have to remember and well, even narrate the trauma to be able to overcome it. In my case, I had to let myself feel for a while, and then let go, before I come back and feel, even if it’s nothing. I had to be hurt and run away so I can run back again.

Eventually, as time can heal, I was able to run back, became even stronger. With prayers, tears and hope, I was fresh. Though scarred, I was still whole and even better.

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