Wrote this a few days ago.
I am beginning to feel adaptive of the many events happening around me. It’s starting to come through me, and well, I can’t seem to find a way for it to end. I mean, this is just me, living my life, and then all of a sudden, there is this cold blooded monster sucking my blood, wouldn’t kill me just yet, laughing and watching me suffer.
To put it simple, I am currently at my most vulnerable. I am starting to care less and yet it still hurts because either way, I have gotten way too attached. And this attachment has brought me joy and sorrow all at the same time. But right now, sadly, I am on the side of sorrow. It feels like hell inside me. I am good at pretending. I smile, I laugh, I talk naturally, like nothing is wrong, even though deep inside, I am dying. Inch by inch, my flesh is burning and the smoke suffocates me. And what’s worse is that it kills me. It’s more painful and gruesome than getting stabbed or shot even. And I think what’s even more worse is that there is only one remedy. But this requires a miracle. And as we all know, miracles, though highly possible, can also be impossible. It might take a very long time before I get fixed. But I can only get fixed if the miracle would take place.
Apart from all that rubbish I have said above, I think that there is a part of me where the only option is to give up and let it go. But then, I must hold on to the promise, because it is the only thing that keeps me moving forward. Though my unreliable self becomes unconscious, the only hope I have is the sober thoughts I have and the Lord that watches over me above.
The truth is, really, not to make it any more complicated, I am melancholic due to the reason that the only possible cure and salvation is also experiencing the same feeling I am currently going through. And as a matter of fact, faith, hope, love and trust both in him and in Him, is the only way for me to be saved.