But it will all be worth it.
I know that many people in our community will get to read this. And, the truth is, it doesn’t really matter what others have to say anymore, so here it goes.
Waki and I finally got to talk after a very very very long time. I almost cried when we were talking, because I finally get to get everything out. I told her that I was having problems with my service, not because of time, not because I don’t want to anymore, but because I don’t feel like I belong anymore. What’s worse is that I feel this most where I am supposed to feel the opposite. Yung dapat na maging “comfort zone” ko, yun na yung nagiging “toxic” para sa akin. But Waki is right, I have to fight through this. I am stronger than this. I am better than this. Kapag masakit at mahirap, mas totoo ang pag-seserve mo. You can’t please everybody. Maraming sasabihin ang iba. Marami rin naman ang walang pakialam. Ganun talaga. Ang importante, alam mo na nagsisilbi ka. Yun naman ang mahalaga eh. Hindi porket di ka “physically present” ay ibig sabihin na hindi ka karapat dapat maging misyonaryo. Ang pagiging misyonaryo, hindi doon nasusukat, kundi sa kagustuhan at sa kaayunan ng puso. Hindi lang dun yun. I know that it will be harder, because the only person that I consider a sister to me in this community will leave. But I have to be strong about this. Because I know that I am stronger than this.
Alam ko maraming magrereact dito, especially my household. But this is what I feel. I am so sorry. You guys may also be disappointed, but I don’t want to lie. No, not with what I feel. Marami rin pwedeng may sabihin dito. Okay lang. Wala akong magagawa. Issue nanaman kung issue. I just have to let it out. No, I am not invisible. Just so everyone is aware. Thank you. 🙂