Lately, I may have been struggling. Well, a little on my studies (which will be over in two weeks!), a lot on my service and mission in life.
In a matter of two weeks, I can get to say, “It’s over!” Ofcourse, it’s not really over yet, because I have to wait for my grades and for graduation, but my college life is finally over. I finally get to apply for a legitimate job, not like my part-time, wherein I tutor kids who are too lazy to study. It’s actually when I had this part-time job that I’ve realized that I am not patient enough to be a teacher. My sister’s a teacher, and I can’t imagine what it’s like for her. She teaches kids to read, and some are even “hard” to communicate with. I have so much respect for teachers, because I think their job entails a lot of hard work and patience. I mean, I am hardworking and patient (okay, a little too proud HAHAH), but a teacher/professor’s effort is different. It truly is such a noble job, if not, the most noble job. I have to say, I have really thought of teaching, but not really like as a profession I intend to have for the rest of my life. I have felt like I was meant to make a difference through another profession. I felt like I was meant to be a writer. It has been my passion ever since. And Rancho said, “Make your passion your profession.” So, after a long time discerning, I have found myself smiling whenever I see myself travelling and writing. After college then, I have decided to apply for a company that would enhance my writing skills. Until one day, I get to see my dreams turn into reality– when I finally write my first ever novel… No, wait. When my first novel finally gets published. A little too ambitious, huh?
I have mentioned that I was struggling with my service. Yup. I am. I had an U.B.E. (Ultimate Bonding Experience) with one of my members last week. It was really fun because I had the opportunity to finally speak of what I’ve long been bothered about. Then she told me some things which made me confused about my service. I am not really ready to put it here, because I know a lot of the members of our household might read this, so I wouldn’t dare speak of my fears yet. I am still praying for it. But, basically, just to give a hint, I am scared. That’s it. No more.
So to summarize (HAHAHA), I am a little bit on the edge of the mountain. Just a strong wind or a pebble can make me fall. I am not at my most vulnerable, but I am just… uncertain. The feeling of uncertainty embraces my very being. It feels like thorns are inside my body, and I am being killed little by little. HAHA DRAMA PALA. But seriously, because of all this feeling of uncertainty, I can’t seem to move. I get affected easily by things and people around me. Yet, as I remember the events that happened the previous year, I’ve realized that I grew stronger and wiser. I became much more mature. I have become better. I have learned how not to listen to what others have to say. To not care. To take care of myself. Yes, it’s not always about the “I,” but it’s also not always about the Other.
So, everyday, I am still choosing to be better. No matter how hard. No matter how painful. Because it’s always good to be better.