“If God changes your heart, be willing to change your plans.”
I saw this very powerful quotation on tumblr and it was just a slap on my face. I have totally forgotten how it was to let go. I’ve been a little too controlling with my life. I have forgotten how it was to be at peace. I have forgotten how it was not to be.
I am all fed up. I am so scared I won’t finish my thesis. I am so scared I won’t be able to defend on time. I am scared. There is fear in me that I can’t escape from. Though I keep telling myself and even others that nothing is impossible, I am battling with myself. Inside me is a monster who is telling me I can’t do it. Little by little I stopped visiting the chapel everyday after class. Little by little, I stopped praying every 10 pm, my usual prayer time. Little by little, I knew that I am being separated from Him. And because of this, I have become indifferent on everything. I felt emptiness. I felt nothing. Realizing this, I tried talking to Him again. I tried to put my feet back on track. I asked Him to change my heart in accordance to His plans. I asked Him to help me be back on His path. I asked Him to help me accept everything He wants for me. I asked Him to change my heart back to the way it was.
This evening, during my prayer time, I was able to speak to Him again, heart to heart. I was even able to pray the rosary. I was able to tell Him everything I wanted to say without rushing myself, without just uttering the words. This night, I was able to really converse with Him. This time, I was able to let go again. I am scared. I still am. But I have become more confident. I know in my heart that it is impossible for me to finish the things I have to finish, I know that God is a Big God and He is bigger than my fears. His plans are always better.
I just have to trust and Him and stop being so scared all the time. Kamote diba?