2011 is finally over. I’ve had the toughest year, and I am really very happy how this new year is giving me all the hope I would need to achieve all my dreams.
So much had happened the previous year. I had the happiest day of my life and also the worst. I had my first ever relationship, also my first ever heartbreak. I’ve experienced to be treated like a princess, courted like any other girl. I have seen death, experienced loss, and witnessed countless miracles. It was one hell of a roller coaster ride. And when I say rollercoaster, I mean UP, DOWN, STRAIGHT, ROUND, UNSTABLE.
The rocky road
During the start of the year, I had my very first romantic relationship. Like any other girl, I thought that he was the one. I was one of those persons who dreamed of having the “first and last” relationship. During the earlier part of our relationship, I was happy. I felt so inlove and peaceful inside, that finally, we are not “malabo” anymore, that it’s the real deal already. Until, gradually, I can feel the sudden changes. He started to forget, to not call, to not text, to not be there. I did everything I could have to please my then boyfriend, even though I wasn’t really happy the way I should be, I never gave up on both of us. We promised each other that we would not give up, no matter how hard, that we would both fight. I was as patient and understanding as I could have, praying and hoping that one day, he would treat me right, that he would finally appreciate me and that I would really be loved the way I should be loved. I kept on waiting, until slowly, I was realizing that it wasn’t right to always be the only one trying, as if I was the only one working Until a few months (and when I say few, it’s really just FEW), he decided to break it off. He told me that he’s going back to the seminary after college, and that he wouldn’t want to prolong my agony, so he’d better break it off earlier. I felt so confused. I felt angry. The day he told me this (in chat), I cried hysterically. I was questioning God, asking him WHY. The worst part is, after a day or two of breaking up, I get to see him everyday because of a conference, then we were back to school. And, since he is my classmate, I had to deal with all the issues every single day. After some time, we became friends again, until I start to hear things on the real reason why he broke up with me, and it’s not because of his vocation, but because of his own issues. Imagine, having your heart broken a couple of times by the same person, and what’s worse is realizing he lied to you. He lied to me when I needed him to tell me the truth the most. I had to deal with him, with all of the people asking questions, every day of my life. I pretend like I am okay, like nothing is wrong with me, I had to put up a smiling face, a strong personality, even though deep inside, I am dying. My heart was shattering to pieces everyday, hearing things, stories, seeing people, events. It was the most painful thing, to pretend, to play a role. There was even a time when I asked the Lord to just take my life because of all the pain I was going through. Yes, I’ve almost lost hope. Almost.
Unembracing the Other, Re-embracing the self
It was also during this year that I’ve had a couple of suitors after my very first heartbreak. One was quite hilarious because I had a terrible fight with a friend because he liked the same guy (yup, he’s gay, and he’s proud of it, and he’s my friend, so I respect him). But, thankfully, I chose friendship over love, because I’ve realized that it wasn’t worth it to throw my 2 year friendship with him than a month of courtship with the guy. The other suitor, was a former classmate who migrated to the States during our first year college (He was the one I was talking about in my previous post, you can just read it). He is consistently making an effort upto now, by sending me gifts every now and then. I told to both of them that I am not really ready for another relationship yet. I’ve lost myself during my last relationship, and I need more time to put back the pieces, I need more time to love myself, so I can let myself love another again. But, I won’t be closing my doors to anyone. I always believe in Destiny. If two people are meant to be together, they will eventually find their way to be together.
The Leap of Faith
It was also year 2011 that I’ve experienced myself the impossible happen. I have been praying for 8 years to worship with my family, or atleast with my parents. Ever since I started serving in Youth For Christ, it has been my prayer. A few years back, my parents and I were serving in the same community, until around 2008, our community had split. My parents went to the other and I stayed. It was devastating, but still, I continued praying. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs with my family, and it was really just the worst feeling ever to not be in good terms with your family. I never stopped praying, for eight years. Even though I knew that it was already so impossible, I never stopped having faith. Until summer of last year, during our SHOUT (Summer House Training) Parent’s Honoring night, I’ve had my miracle. I did not expect my parents to be there, since they also had their own assembly that night. But, I was thrilled when I saw them come out of the car. Then, during our worship, I was standing right beside them, raising my hands, and crying. It was the happiest day of my life; seeing the impossible unfold infront of my eyes. I was worshipping with them! It was such a miracle I never thought could happen! Then I shared infront, and cried like a baby, telling everybody how lucky I was to have a wonderful family, but most importantly, how amazing my God is. 🙂 Miracles happen, only if and when we believe. Truly, nothing is impossible to Him.
So basically, these were the highlights of my year. Oh! I almost forgot, I also had the best thesis adviser for my philosopher, since this professor was a student of Emmanuel Levinas himself. There. I can’t think of anymore memorable events during the past year. Wait up for the part 2 of this post. I will share my reflections and realizations. I shall post it when I wake up later! :p I promise it won’t be long as this!
For now, HAPPY NEW YEAR! GODBLESS! :>