My classmate during my 1st year college (he migrated to Alaska 2nd semester of that school year) who tried to court me sent me more gifts this year. Last July he sent me a big box filled with chocolates and a couple of necklaces from Fred Myers jewelers. Then last October, he gave me an iPhone 4, which was an ultimate shocker for all of us. I never really expected that gift, because it was really very expensive. So i was really surprised. Then this time, he gave me more chocolates and sent some for some of our classmates. Talk about generosity.
The truth is, I am having mixed emotions right now. I am actually realizing that if a guy likes a girl, he would make her feel like she is the most beautiful girl in the world. But, if a guy loves a girl, he would take care of and die for her. I’ve never felt so pampered my whole life. I feel so blessed and important. I mean, I have never felt like a princess before during my first relationship, and it really makes me feel good right now. You might think that I am a user or a gold digger or whatever you call it, but I really didn’t ask for these, he gave these to me. That’s why I actually feel bad because I told him that I wasn’t ready for a relationship yet. I really am not. Just not yet. I need more time for myself. I know that it’s been months since my first heartbreak already, but I just really need more time to learn to love myself more, since I never really cared about myself then. I’ve learned that you really have to first love yourself before you can even love another.
Plus, another reason why I can’t let this gentleman totally be my boyfriend (ugh I hate that word) is because he’s in a far place. I can’t know a person without looking at him in his eyes. The look on the other’s eyes is very important to me. As Emmanuel Levinas says, the Other’s face let’s you realize that even though you are striving for your own existence, you are still not alone in this world, that there are still others who need you. What I mean is, I just can’t trust somebody right away without knowing him first. Without seeing him first. I mean, I know him, but I don’t really know him. I mean, it’d really be nice if one person would ask me out on a date, and have a real conversation, not just through text or chat or whatsoever technology has provided. I am not saying I’d close my doors to anyone. All I am really saying is that the person I have known 4 years ago might not be the same person now. I mean, people change… Quickly. Frankly, I didn’t really like this guy before, but because of all his effort, I am becoming convinced that maybe I underestimated him. But, I don’t know. I still just need to pray and think about this. Because a face-to-face encounter is a must.
Whatever happens, I am putting all my trust in God’s hands. Because I know that nothing beats His will for me. No, not even my dreams.