They say that dreams come true. Yet, they also say that if it’s meant to be, it will happen. But, what if your dreams are not meant to come true? What if the things you wish to have are not meant to be yours and the person that you love is not for you? ‘Dreams’ and ‘Destiny,’ can they go hand in hand? Or are these two words… not meant to be?
I’ve always been this optimistic person, who never fails to see the brighter side of life. Not this time. I’ve never been so negative my whole life. The moment I’ve heard that there is like only a 5% chance for me to get in University of Melbourne, my whole world shattered. It’s as if my whole life is never going to be this wonderful life I’ve always pictured. It’s like I am this little girl who lost all her lollipops and teddy bears in a snap. That’s what I’ve felt when I’ve heard that one of my sister’s co-teachers have been applying for scholarship for 10 years now in this University (or so as it is what I have understood), and it just made me feel like all that I’ve been working hard for has no finish line. I mean, who am I to be given that scholarship in this competitive academe? I felt like it’s not worth it to study hard and give my all anymore. It’s as if all my hopes and dreams came down with the sun this afternoon. Though there is this pinch of hope in my heart that it can still be possible, I always look at reality and see me not being in my dream University… for the second time.
You see, I’ve always wanted to study in Ateneo, but as much as I wanted to call it my “Alma mater,” I didn’t pass and here I am in UST, studying with the course I never really wanted to take. I mean, I know I had reasons why I took up Philosophy but I’ve always wanted to focus on writing. Yes, ofcourse, in my course, I am honed to become a really good writer, but what I am writing is not what I want to write. My Thesis professor commented on my thesis that I was too “cheesy” and the philosopher that I chose isn’t cheesy, at all. But, as for my opinion, as I’ve read him (and continuously and painfully still do), he is one cheesy writer. I mean, come on! He writes about the importance of the Other, and how I should never kill him because he appeals to me and commands me at the same time, not to. Anyway, what I am trying to say in here is that, I’ve always dreamed of becoming a writer, ever since I became the editor-in-chief of our school magazine when I was in gradeschool, I’ve always been as eager to become a novelist, a poet, a composer, a journalist, a writer. But, here I am. Instead of training to become one of the world’s best writers, I am being trained to “philosophize” about every single thing I do.
I am not happy. Or maybe, I am happy… I am just not content. I mean, I am happy but I am not happy with what I am doing. Whatever.
The same professor who told me that my writing is too cheesy said that we shouldn’t really aim to be excellent, instead, we should aim to be happy. And, I am not. I always see myself being this eccentric, unique (for most people, weird), and extraordinary person walking around with a notebook and a pen, observing every person passing through the window, imagining how their lives are and writing a story about it. Though I am afraid of criticisms, because I may be a bit of a perfectionist, I still feel good after every blog post, poem and story I write (some, not really written, because it’s all up in my head).
I hate seeing myself like this. I know I am not like this, I always try to produce a good out of the bad, instead, I am being drowned to the negative and not charging up the positive. I hate feeling not being able to be where I intend to be. This is much more than a heart break where a boy left me. THIS IS MY FUTURE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT! This is just really frustrating and melancholic. I feel like I am rotting in a place where I am not meant to be. ironically, it is like I am meant to be in this place. It sucks.
But, at the end of the day, I am still holding unto God’s promise. “For I know what my plans for you are,” he says. “Plans to save you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.”
This is God’s promise to me, and whatever happens, I have to keep holding onto it. Because I know that His plans are always better than my dreams.