A girl left by her mother to work for her. A wife left by his husband to fight for their country. A son hugging goodbye his family to enter the seminary. Me, detaching myself from others. ‘Distance.’ A word so simple yet it can make you vulnerable…
I’ve been a little more snob lately; to my classmates, my chorale-mates, friends, to my family, and to some extent, even to myself. I’ve been maintaining a kind of space away from each and everyone I know. There’s a reason to that, ofcourse. A lot have noticed it actually, especially my barkada in school, who kept on commenting that I really am becoming more and more masungit. I’ve been sick lately. Nothing serious, but ever since then, my head keeps on aching and my stomach isn’t cooperating (believe me it sucks that I want to go poop every after I eat). Maybe that’s one of the reasons, but I have a reason for this attitude, and I, myself want to get rid of it because I might overdo the distance thing.
The truth is, I’ve changed. We all do. I am not the same old girl who used to make herself comfortable with all of the people always. I have always put up expectations and most of the time I get disappointed. Which I know is very wrong, but you know, we all limit ourselves to what we think and believe in sometimes, and I’ve been trying not to. I also have realized that this distance I’ve been trying to maintain is a self-preservation thing. You see, I’ve always been this person who never stopped loving, believing that it is the only thing that could save us. But, right now, I have been burned out of everything that I do that I just don’t want to anymore. I feel like I am a different person lately, and when I say different, I mean different. This distance that I am trying to keep is actually a way for me to realize my worth. Sometimes, we forget that for us to love others, we first have to love ourselves, and I have forgotten that. That’s why people need to understand why I am acting as such. When I have realized how precious I am, how wonderfully made I am, than maybe all the distance and the space I have learned to keep will all disappear.
To wrap this entry up, I have to admit that I’ve been struggling lately. It’s been really hard. But I know that everything will be okay, it will all fall into place. God will never ever fail me. The pain that I am feeling right now (well, actually not really pain but… emptiness) is nothing compared to the joy that I will be experiencing soon.
Everything happens for a reason. It will all blissfully fall into place.The space and distance will all slowly fade away. One day, just not today.